Anniversary 12.18.2011

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You: murder-suicide.
the anniversary of our death

I loved you so much
I drove to see you
You.

Because you were home
Because you avoided bullets and fatality
dodged the knife
plane crash
pirate raid
and kidnapping
only for this.

You: ungrateful.
: unreal.

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You loved me so much
held me like you cared
without condition
fashioned as a true friend

You: traitor.

Always too kind
too long
and too close

And I trusted you.

You: fire squad.
: bloody teeth.
: burning lungs.

And an E.R. nurse telling me
I was lucky

She'd seen so much worse

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You: winking.
Me: starting to feel my drink.

Climbing into the back of your truck.
You would never hurt me.
You loved me so much.
You would never-

You: coward.
: lies.
: deceit.
and: Mother FUCKER!

I have two years of rage for you!
I have un-served justice
and regret!

You: ruined everything.
Me: triumphant, almost.

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

My body still repulsed
You: twisted.

sick shock horror
pain and treachery
tears in my skin
disarmed piece by
leggings
socks
shoes
shorts
shirt
shirt
and
the only bra I owned

I gave it to the nurse.
I didn't want it anymore.

And I knew better.
But I still showered
dipped head-to-toe
in turpentine
trying to undo
how you fucked my synapses
without permission.

Two years
Two years ago
Two fucking years ago today

You: COULD HAVE ASKED!
You: could have bought me flowers.
: chocolate.
: anything but poison.

You didn't even give me a chance
to fight
you know I would have killed you
I would have let you live

You: motherfuckingsonofabitch
Ihatetheverythoughtofyouand
hellistoogoodforyourkind!

Me: I still miss you.