Valentine.

Today is a day for getting back to gritty
we wake up to falling satin
hurried hands
lips made of steel
tooth and iron
we make love
by skipping breakfast

and you are late to work

You are wild with determination
I am again and again
your wild African vine
adorning poison crimson

I want a hundred times
you rise to deliver
I need a million times
soft spoken
hard rushing
deep breathed kissing
and you grow claws
to rise
and bring it to me

You are everything I never asked for
everything I went without
Your arms are chocolate for breakfast
fast around my bending rib
Your smile is sunshine every day
a whole life filled with summer
Your eyes are my own constellations
Your hands ancient trees on my house
and your voice is the wind
beating fast in my heart
every time I long to travel

I touch you on morning
churning oil in my veins
strike a match and
we are one

breath
body
beating heart

we are one

every move we make
together
our arteries sprouting through skin
encircling intertwined hands
with matching wedding rings

I love you.

Muse.

She is fried bacon
my ceramic membrane cannot escape
She is sickly desire
and I cannot part
memories of ocean side
bubble baths
and the best New Year's Eve
I've ever had
: steam punk cigarettes
and perfect crimson heels
I can never wear again

She infects finely groomed nails
the dripping muse I can only capture
in dreams

The haiku master told me
in her final breathing sonnet:

heartbreak
open door
a writer's heart

and then she told me it was not a haiku
only an observation
as the bourbon rocks crashed from her hand

I was wild
unbridled
unbroken
gouging my flesh
on thickets of Himalayan Blackberry.
Blood pooled my toes
filling cracks with cakes deep and red
I only wanted to fly
Each attempt I lost one:

one respect
one humility
one mystery
then respect again

And my muse remained
quizzical
crinkled between the eyes
soothing fevers in my sleep
applying lye to open wounds
dipping fluoride to my water hole.
She tried to save me
soothe me
give me just a little bit more-
She lost herself.

Her ceramic membrane could not escape
the sick intoxication
fried bacon stuck in her vegan grooves
my blood drowning her body
night after night after-

I cannot escape my muse
fire in a broken heart
we've found it once again.

Archive: February 9, 2011- Equal Rights

I walked into a supernova
I expected inspiration
but- damn; a supernova

I became the girl with wild lips
the one I used to know
on the peninsula beach
screaming slipping syllables
down her succulent face

I became brazen, offensive,
even honest.
Oh so honest.
Age has made me her.
Honest
Offensive
Brazen
I fought for irony
and threw up sarcasm in your hurricane breakfast.

I was once again for a fleeting glimpse
your horse child
I was the daughter of Brautigan
and the lips that kissed the lips of Ginsberg
I was Kate Crowes fitful infant
but only for a glimpse.

Shut your eyes
and I will break the silence
ruin the mood
and rebut every cleaver line you own.

I've returned your rightful winnings with-
I don't like you, but I respect you
You deserve to win
but I deserve to compete
I hope this is what you were looking for.

Yesterday.

A frazzle mess of
black bean bumble bees
and tell me that she drinks a lot

a hot of sorta knotty naught
I want to make you
kung pow shots
but you don't like
infusion meals
and pretend I didn't steal it.

Is he happy?
What's happy really?
I'm happy.
Then he's not.
'cause you are.

Barcelona doesn't understand
that tapas is meant to be free.
My Christmas tree is black and red
all dripped in chocolate truffle.

We caroled on the
uke-uke troop
and grinned as the North Pole
surprised us.

But I've got spiders in my back
can't wait til the nothing returns.

Anniversary 12.18.2011

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You: murder-suicide.
the anniversary of our death

I loved you so much
I drove to see you
You.

Because you were home
Because you avoided bullets and fatality
dodged the knife
plane crash
pirate raid
and kidnapping
only for this.

You: ungrateful.
: unreal.

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You loved me so much
held me like you cared
without condition
fashioned as a true friend

You: traitor.

Always too kind
too long
and too close

And I trusted you.

You: fire squad.
: bloody teeth.
: burning lungs.

And an E.R. nurse telling me
I was lucky

She'd seen so much worse

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You: winking.
Me: starting to feel my drink.

Climbing into the back of your truck.
You would never hurt me.
You loved me so much.
You would never-

You: coward.
: lies.
: deceit.
and: Mother FUCKER!

I have two years of rage for you!
I have un-served justice
and regret!

You: ruined everything.
Me: triumphant, almost.

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

My body still repulsed
You: twisted.

sick shock horror
pain and treachery
tears in my skin
disarmed piece by
leggings
socks
shoes
shorts
shirt
shirt
and
the only bra I owned

I gave it to the nurse.
I didn't want it anymore.

And I knew better.
But I still showered
dipped head-to-toe
in turpentine
trying to undo
how you fucked my synapses
without permission.

Two years
Two years ago
Two fucking years ago today

You: COULD HAVE ASKED!
You: could have bought me flowers.
: chocolate.
: anything but poison.

You didn't even give me a chance
to fight
you know I would have killed you
I would have let you live

You: motherfuckingsonofabitch
Ihatetheverythoughtofyouand
hellistoogoodforyourkind!

Me: I still miss you.

Clay birds.

Alone with you
we sit
just shadow
by shadow

you give yourself
to me
soft notes
down voice

You share your heart
alone with me
tired hands
bent chords
lines of sky

and I know you:
molded in clay
eyes; ears; hands.
birds; bricks; bones.

you sing for me
soul on my heart
tired eyes
sloppy hands

and no one compares

Dinner with My Father

Tonight I will dance on my father's toes

with broken feet

a creasing eye

I am grown now

your little one

your twin bird

and another man calls me

Darling

But you are the bones I drape upon

each step to dance

taken in turn of teaching

you taught me to dance

taught me to laugh

taught me to fly

pressing tiny toes

to the tops of your feet

tonight I am your girl

I will dance on with my toes

on your broken feet

Your smile is sagged like mine

our eyes fold as mirrors

I am yours

and will always be

your girl.