Yesterday.

A frazzle mess of
black bean bumble bees
and tell me that she drinks a lot

a hot of sorta knotty naught
I want to make you
kung pow shots
but you don't like
infusion meals
and pretend I didn't steal it.

Is he happy?
What's happy really?
I'm happy.
Then he's not.
'cause you are.

Barcelona doesn't understand
that tapas is meant to be free.
My Christmas tree is black and red
all dripped in chocolate truffle.

We caroled on the
uke-uke troop
and grinned as the North Pole
surprised us.

But I've got spiders in my back
can't wait til the nothing returns.

Anniversary 12.18.2011

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You: murder-suicide.
the anniversary of our death

I loved you so much
I drove to see you
You.

Because you were home
Because you avoided bullets and fatality
dodged the knife
plane crash
pirate raid
and kidnapping
only for this.

You: ungrateful.
: unreal.

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You loved me so much
held me like you cared
without condition
fashioned as a true friend

You: traitor.

Always too kind
too long
and too close

And I trusted you.

You: fire squad.
: bloody teeth.
: burning lungs.

And an E.R. nurse telling me
I was lucky

She'd seen so much worse

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

You: winking.
Me: starting to feel my drink.

Climbing into the back of your truck.
You would never hurt me.
You loved me so much.
You would never-

You: coward.
: lies.
: deceit.
and: Mother FUCKER!

I have two years of rage for you!
I have un-served justice
and regret!

You: ruined everything.
Me: triumphant, almost.

Two years
Two years ago
Two years ago today

My body still repulsed
You: twisted.

sick shock horror
pain and treachery
tears in my skin
disarmed piece by
leggings
socks
shoes
shorts
shirt
shirt
and
the only bra I owned

I gave it to the nurse.
I didn't want it anymore.

And I knew better.
But I still showered
dipped head-to-toe
in turpentine
trying to undo
how you fucked my synapses
without permission.

Two years
Two years ago
Two fucking years ago today

You: COULD HAVE ASKED!
You: could have bought me flowers.
: chocolate.
: anything but poison.

You didn't even give me a chance
to fight
you know I would have killed you
I would have let you live

You: motherfuckingsonofabitch
Ihatetheverythoughtofyouand
hellistoogoodforyourkind!

Me: I still miss you.

Clay birds.

Alone with you
we sit
just shadow
by shadow

you give yourself
to me
soft notes
down voice

You share your heart
alone with me
tired hands
bent chords
lines of sky

and I know you:
molded in clay
eyes; ears; hands.
birds; bricks; bones.

you sing for me
soul on my heart
tired eyes
sloppy hands

and no one compares

Dinner with My Father

Tonight I will dance on my father's toes

with broken feet

a creasing eye

I am grown now

your little one

your twin bird

and another man calls me

Darling

But you are the bones I drape upon

each step to dance

taken in turn of teaching

you taught me to dance

taught me to laugh

taught me to fly

pressing tiny toes

to the tops of your feet

tonight I am your girl

I will dance on with my toes

on your broken feet

Your smile is sagged like mine

our eyes fold as mirrors

I am yours

and will always be

your girl.

mis mentiras

Are you soft enough to forgive me?

Can you bend your heart instead of breaking?

When I loved you, I never touched you.

Tender kisses wrapped in freedom, fear, and apprehension.

When I touched you, I didn't love you.

Threw you down trying hard,

so hard, desperately searching

for the thing my heart used to feel.

I was ruined by heartbreak.

I was broken my love.

Two men came.

One broke my bones.

another my soul.

And my spirit flitted free from my body.

I know you felt it.

New callouses on my skin.

A new harshness to my hands.

You were all I had left.

You were all that I had.

So I tried, so desperate.

I was so desperate.

I knew that I'd loved you.

I needed to feel that again.

But when I touched you, I didn't love you.

Can you ever forgive me?

Are we old enough to set our minds

over our hearts?

I'm not sure we ever will be.

Thursday from the Water Tower

Winter days like this are made for pumpkin spice coffee

and red monster blankets

I was up to watch the sun

she rose from the western crest of Mount Rainier

bright pink and shivered.

I slipped the early riser back into bed

snuggled her close to the sheets

under the spell of her fairy tale.

And now the sun has made a half-light

strange from the underside up

she settles beneath the new found horizon

made reflecting by a span of fresh cloud.

She stretches out golden-

a gold that can only be seen at dusk or

a gently winder dawn; and

the lawn is flanked with it.

This day is my Julia Child's omelet

flipped in imperfection

but delicious, like New Year's morning

bright in a cold wood room

mildly intoxicated

slipping down the steps for the taste of an old love

and I refuse to use a spatula.

The Stars claim my ex-lover is dead.

Yet an overcast sun lifting high above the shadows whispers,

"She is not dead. But the love is."
My ex-lover is a tyrant.

She is the ocean crashing waves against the moon.

My ex-lover doesn't make cookie rage

she is cookie rage!
And I am proud to become her process.

We measure:
2 tsp gun powder

1/4 c acid rain

3 tbsp volcanic rock and

1 soft boiled egg.

She is ingrained in everything I write.

She infiltrates my quiet morning and

sinks teeth into my pumpkin spice.

Fortune is unavoidable.

As the sun abreast the peak

As tears resting my father-in-law's perfectly manicured lawn

As my unfaltering devotion to my new life

I am not searching for a way out.

I am searching for a way in.

We've refused chemotherapy, and we're dying from ourselves.

We are the afterthoughts

we, clinging to the history

and memories that were oh-so-fucking-good

we are tiny barbes dug

into a time that was better

that was alive with verse and babble

we never thought it would end

And it will never end!

But I don't see you anymore

though sometimes you comment on my blog

That's what I've it's been reduced to.

And I thought I was going to be greatness

And I thought I was going to be Ginsberg

And I though I was going to make you love me

we would never loose that moment

with crashing waves and steady beats

We beat our hearts to the stars for a taste of each other!

And you poured yours out

messy hot on the sand

littered with sandfleas and

the glitter of a starlet

I think she's going to be famous now

And we told secrets set deep in your eyes!

Your face against mine I could feel your breath

as you told me how the world should be

as we dreamed it

But our guardian has retired

and we've scattered the globe

and I don't hear from you anymore

I don't hear from you anymore

I don't hear from you anymore

Though you promised me your heart on your Birthday!

And you promised me we would be great!

But she doesn't speak to me anymore.

We have the fate of dying constellations

calling out as we fade into the universe

a forgotten song

a burning fire

so small we can't burn it down on our own!

I love you all!

I want to lick words off your eyelids!!

I love you all!

I want to devour the flesh of your soul!

I love you all!

I am dying for a chance to be close to you again!

I love you all with the heartbreak of a childless mother

and a sisterless friend

I love you all!

But you're a million miles away.

Gitta.

She is a good woman

she lights a chord

lights on her cigarette

and drinks to the board

while the tender is brilliant

billowing bright

the good woman smiles

she shouts and she cries

She is a good woman!

She is worth what she takes!

And she'll take what they give her

whatever the stake

For she's a good woman

and she calls me her friend

Yah- she's a good woman

with tears in her gin

her eyes large with ages

with hours of proof

she spills me her secrets

'cause her Englisch ist gut!

and her embrace is longing

we've said what we can

She is a good woman

her drink warm in her hand

thirteen on her tab

she can never afford

but she takes what she's given

she deserves what she's served

For it's never her fault.

She's worked for it all.

She is a good woman

in breaking she calls

"I am a good woman!"

"One of millions." she sighs

"I am a good woman."

"I am a good woman."

"I am a good woman."

She lies.

The Charity

Last night we rode to Dusseldorf

Flashing windows

leather seats

a white business Euro van

and the generosity of the Turk

the most genial

More than his restaurant

more than his motor

his English a broken German

a Kebab of incredible freedom

But some things are not what hey seem

When things are too good they must be

untrue

You cannot trust a dark man

with nothing to gain

So we eat with tendered caution

skip the tea and mind our emotions

The hour comes

it's time to go

and the Turkish man returns

on a smile

Erkan,

his name is Erkan.

Erkan returns with open arms

he drives us through Germany

he only wants to help

with nothing to gain

he is a father

extending good wealth

On we rode to Dusseldorf

suspicion biased and needless

a kind heart rolling down the highway

a white business Euro van

the generosity of Erkan.

Paris 1925

It's a gray day

you walk creaky red shag

hundred year old wood

in a hundred year old flat

It's a gray day

the street is never silent

as you serenade your new guitar strap

and score ping-pong to my head

It's a gray day

I dream of marmalade and cookies

Nutella stuck in my gums

and pancakes

a gray day.

My toes are curled in air

thick with coconut

you scraped thin with your own hands

it's a gray day

The strawberries ripen crimson

without sunshine

because they love pollution

it's a gray day.

You close the door,

to play more private

but I want to be there with you

on our gray day

in Paris 1925.

What doesn't fit on a postcard.

I miss you with the pounding of tomorrow

scrambled yolks on deep fried lashes

flashing breaks and pitching slumbers

lumbering to the edge of my conscious mind

A baked dozen wishes floating on the thermals

east-west current crashing hard against my rock

clattered weight of promises and promised

I promised I would always love you

and I do.

And I will always be the face of all your mermen

singing sweet the ocean's lullaby calling

by and by we bring you home

don't worry darling I'm waiting.

I can wait six lifetimes and that I will

a written testament to all the loves that ever were

We're the lucky ones!

Scream it loud for all eternity, "The lucky ones!"

And I love you

with a passion that exists for only one thing!

Bring your body close to mine

because I'm here to give my life to you.